How Managing Expectations Actually Helps Avoid Anger and Disappointment

Expectations

Expectations are tricky. We all have them for any given situation, whether good or bad. For example:

Have you ever dreaded going to a party, but it turned out to be pretty fun?

That’s because you had low expectations that were easy to meet.

On the other hand, let’s say you were expecting to get a promotion at work, after months of heavy hinting from your manager, only for that promotion to be given to a co-worker.

You will probably be pretty angry. Your expectations were (rightfully) high and not met.

Let’s try another experiment. What happens when somebody in life lets you down repeatedly? It could be a bad friend, a distant parent, an ex-boyfriend, or an ex-girlfriend. After a while, you probably won’t get angry from their constant letdowns anymore. Instead of anger, you will feel a different emotion:

Disappointment.

You will feel disappointed because even though your expectations were low, they still were not able to live up to them. The gap isn’t as large, but it still exists.

When others do not meet our expectations, one of two things happen:

We become angry or we become disappointed.

Anger

Have you ever stopped for a moment and thought why do I get mad?

“She finished all my dessert that I was going to have tonight!”

“He said he would take out the trash and never did!”

“He forgot our anniversary!”

“Because she did this to me, or he didn’t do that…”

The reason we get mad isn’t because of what somebody did or did not do. It is because our expectations didn’t meet reality.

Think about the last time you got angry. You probably had high expectations about what was going to happen. Then, the actual results did not live up to those expectations.

Friends & Family

This is why we often get angrier with friends and family than we do with strangers. We don’t expect much, if anything, from a stranger. We do, however, expect a lot from our loved ones. So, when they let us down and don’t live up to our expectations, whether reasonable or unreasonable, this can really piss us off.

Co-workers

In a business environment, it is not uncommon to see a high-performing employee with a bad attitude. He has high expectations of himself and his own work, but he also has high expectations from his co-workers. If his co-workers don’t meet those high expectations, he will blow a fuse.

Not to say anger is the right reaction in these circumstances, but you now have a better understanding of why you – or others – get angry.

Disappointment

Sometimes, we will have low expectations from somebody, and they will still let us down. Instead of anger, we will feel disappointment. We don’t expect much from the person, but it still stings since we were hoping for more.

Even more so than anger, disappointment comes from our loved ones and those we care about. There is no reason to be disappointed with a stranger as we don’t have a vested interest in them. We can only become disappointed in people that mean something to us.

For example, think about a drug-addicted child and his mother. Every time her child uses, the mother will be very disappointed. Disappointment is often past the emotion of anger, as you’ve experienced the heartbreak of your expectations not being met countless times already. The mother feels tremendous disappointment in her child only because she also feels tremendous love for her child.

Disappointment stinks, but we cannot experience this feeling without feeling love for another human being, and that is kind of awesome.

“Disappointment is often past the emotion of anger, as you’ve experienced the heartbreak of your expectations not being met countless times already.”

Clarify Expectations

So, we now have a better understanding of why these emotions occur.

But what do we do about this?

Clarify your expectations.

Whenever possible, be very clear about what you are expecting from somebody. Likewise, be clear about what they are expecting from you. This is especially important in personal relationships and in the workplace. When you are both on the same page about what to expect, and you both follow-through, there is no reason for either party to get angry.

This means that if you agreed with your boss to get the report done by EOD (end of day) Tuesday and it still isn’t done, well he has the right to be a little peeved off at you.

If you tell your wife you will go to a nice restaurant on Saturday evening and when the evening comes around you cancel because you’re “too tired and need to work on this report that is already late”, she too has a right to be mad because you set clear expectations for her and didn’t follow through.

We have to understand that breaking our promises can hurt others and turn into a vicious cycle, as in the example I just painted. One broken promise leads to another. If you cannot 100% commit, it is better not to set false expectations as it will hurt your own reputation and anger the people you care about. Instead:

Set clear and reasonable expectations for both yourself and for others.

Embrace Your Feelings

You now have a better understanding of why you feel angry or disappointed. This is the first step. Be present with these feelings when they occur. Own it, understand it, acknowledge it.

Know that you are getting angry because you had higher expectations and the person delivered lower results. There was a disconnect. Stop to think if the disconnect was your fault for not being clear about what your expectations were. Maybe you thought you were being clear, but you weren’t. Oftentimes, what we say makes sense to us, but others do not interpret it as concisely. Check with them to make sure they understood before you get too angry.

Conclusion

• Anger occurs when our expectations are not met.
• Disappointment also occurs when our expectations are not met.
• To avoid this, set clear expectations with everybody including family, friends, spouse, and co-workers.
• Be in the present moment and acknowledge your feelings about the situation.
• Understand that you might be at least 50% responsible for the disconnect in expectations.
• Try to do better next time!

Best,

Eric