How to Overcome Negative Thoughts
We often talk about the power of positivity; how positive thoughts lead to positive actions that lead to a better life. While this is certainly true, it is ignorant to believe that somebody can have positive thoughts 100% of the time. Even the happiest and most optimistic individuals with good mental health will have negative thoughts creep into their minds from time to time. This doesn’t need to be a bad thing, however. We can find power in our negative thoughts the same way there is power in positive ones.
Positive thoughts –> positive actions –> better life
Negative thoughts –> negative actions –> poor life
So just be positive. Ah, if only it was that simple.
Why We Have Negative Thoughts
Have you ever wondered why you have negative thoughts? These can range from “I’m not good enough” to “If I ask that girl out, she is going to call me a loser, throw her drink in my face, and laugh about me with all her friends.”
Rest assured, negative thoughts are completely normal. In fact, they are kind of essential. Our minds are pretty much wired to be negative. This, like many strange things humans do, is because it was used as a survival technique by our ancestors. Back when our primal ancestors lived around much more danger and not dying (AKA surviving) was more difficult than it is today, they would constantly need to prepare for the worst-case scenario.
In many ways, it feels unfair that we are still suffering the consequences of our minds and body due to how our ancestors lived long ago. This is why it is so hard to diet and shed fat – our body is focused on survival and thinks less food means we are dying. This is also why we have negative thoughts; our mind is trying to tell us what we need to look out for so we don’t, you guessed it, die.
Once we know our body and mind are doing these things because they helped our ancestors survive, it is much easier to live with and accept. Even so, we can still find ways to use negative thinking to our advantage.
How to Use Negative Thinking to Your Advantage
This is going to sound really, really negative, but it’s actually positive. I promise, just stick with me.
Always think of the worst-case scenario in a situation.
I know, I know, crazy right? Half of you are thinking, “No worries I already am constantly thinking about the worst-case scenario all day every day!” and half of you are thinking “Eric, self-improvement is about changing your mind to think positively, not negatively, what are you talking about?!”
Well, it’s true that we want to be optimistic and focus on the best-case scenario. But who says it isn’t possible to be optimistic while considering what the worst-case scenario in any given situation would be? I think it certainly is. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. The important thing is to not linger and hold on to the negative thoughts. Doing this will help you in 2 ways:
- You might realize the worst-case scenario isn’t even that bad, and therefore you should take that risk.
- You will be prepared. Thinking through how to handle that scenario if it happens will help you overcome it more easily without getting upset or angry.
Again, it’s important to note that once you review the worst-case scenario, leave it behind. Put it in your back pocket so to speak. You know it’s there and you can refer back to it in the future if needed. If the worst-case scenario doesn’t occur, you never need to think about it again. Now that it’s out of the way, you can focus on the positive without being interrupted by negative thoughts.
“Another way to be prepared is to think negatively. Yes, I’m a great optimist. but, when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst-case scenario. I call it ‘the eaten by wolves factor.’ If I do something, what’s the most terrible thing that could happen? Would I be eaten by wolves? One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist, is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don’t worry about because I have a plan in place if they do.”
Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
Examples
Let’s look at some examples of putting negative thinking to the test when tasked with something new and powering through negative thoughts to use them to our advantage.
Scenario #1: Taking on a new project at work.
When we expand from within our limits and norms, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. Familiarity is comforting so we are often scared to try new things. To make matters worse, we often look foolish when trying something new because we lack experience. It’s much easier to avoid it altogether. But doing what is easy will not help you grow.
What if your boss asks you to take the lead on a project at work, but it is something you have never done before?
You know this specific project would be great for your career, but you are obviously scared due to a lack of experience. Should you defer? Should you tell your boss you don’t think you are the right man or woman for the job? Absolutely not! First, take a moment to think through the worst-case scenario.
Well, if I do this project, it might come out really bad. My boss might think I’m an idiot and she won’t trust me with assignments in the future. She might slowly lose faith in me until my job responsibility shrinks and I’m fired……
We know what the worst-case scenario is—being fired. At least that is the one being made up in our overactive, anxious brain.
But will I really even get fired? What if I tell my boss I would be eager to take on the project but warn her I have never done anything like this before? Would she be more understanding if my first draft doesn’t meet the requirements? Probably. She might even give me materials to help get me started and point me in the right direction. AND she might even appreciate how I am willing to step out of my comfort zone and learn. Ah, there’s a solution after all!
By being vulnerable and opening up about your fear of taking on a new task to your boss, you basically disarmed the bomb and fixed the issue right then and there.
Scenario #2: Is the worst-case scenario that bad?
Oftentimes, the worst-case scenario we are making up in our heads is way, way worse than what reality could even be. Taking the time to rationally play out the scenario in your mind will show you that more often than not, the worst possible outcome isn’t even that bad.
Let’s say you are out in public and see a woman that you find drop-dead gorgeous. Your first thought might be that you want to approach them, but then you decide against it. We all know what the worst-case scenario, and fear, in this instance is—rejection. Nobody likes that feeling. But let’s think about it a little more.
Ok, if I approach this woman, the worst-case scenario is she rejects me. Well, obviously that would stink. But if I approach her in a kind and friendly way I’m sure she would be kind and friendly back, which is good. Also, nobody I know is around. So even if I do get rejected, it won’t be that humiliating. Wait..she can tell her friends about it later. She probably will! But.. they don’t know who I am, or even what I look like. If I pass one of her friends on the street tomorrow I wouldn’t know and neither would she. If I approach her and get rejected, chances are I won’t even remember this 5 years from now. The best case scenario is we really hit it off and I make a great friend or even potentially more.
Seeing there is no risk involved shows that the scenario you are worried about isn’t even that bad. In addition, we are using two great techniques that help overcome fears and put negative thoughts to rest:
- Am I even going to remember this 5 years from now? If it isn’t a big deal 5 years from now, it probably isn’t a big deal now.
- Weighing out the pros and cons. Sometimes, doing something is scary but the reward far outweighs the risk. If that’s the case, you should probably go for it.
Scenario #3: Being prepared.
Again, the reason we have negative thoughts is that sometimes they are justified. Using negative thoughts to your advantage helps prepare you for when something bad actually does happen. This won’t happen often, but occasionally the worst-case scenario will occur. If you considered the worst-case possibility ahead of time you will be ready for it.
It’s late at night and you’re walking alone down an empty and dark street. Maybe you don’t see anyone on your path yet, but you have an uneasy feeling. This is the exact type of situation where you do want to think of the worst-case scenario and be prepared for it.
I’m all alone right now and an easy target if a sketchy figure appears and tries to harm me. What can I do? Running might work..but what if the person is faster than me? Ok, I have pepper spray in my purse. I’ll hold onto the pepper spray for the rest of my walk home. This way if somebody tries to approach me in a harmful way, I will be ready to defend myself.
This is the main reason our brain has negative thoughts, so use it to your full advantage to protect yourself.
Turning Negative Thoughts into Gratitude
When a negative thought comes into your mind, train your mind to alter that negative thought by filtering it through a tunnel of gratitude. Here are some examples:
Negative Thought: I have so much work to do that it is stressing me out.
Gratitude: I am grateful I have a job that pays my bills and that I am a hard worker so my boss relies on me for many projects.
Negative Thought: My family constantly annoys me.
Gratitude: I’m grateful that I have a family who loves me and is in my life.
Negative Thought: I am lonely.
Gratitude: I am grateful that I am comfortable spending time with myself. However, if I feel lonely that means that I will go see my friends so that I don’t feel so lonely.
Sometimes just having gratitude isn’t enough. We must also take action with powerful “I will” statements to improve our lives. Note, these are not “I’ll try” or “If I have time” statements. They are affirmative, no excuse, take action, “I will” statements. This will destroy the negative thought. Here are some more examples.
Negative Thought: I am so overweight.
Gratitude: I’m grateful that I realize my health is on a downward trajectory and that I have the knowledge and means to do something about it.
Action: I am going to get a gym membership and eat less processed foods.
Negative Thought: I hate my job.
Gratitude: I’m grateful that I have a job that pays my bills.
Action: I am going to spend my free time applying to new jobs so that I can find a job I love.
Turning a negative thought into gratitude will always make us feel better about the situation. It is very hard to feel negative emotions when we are announcing what we are grateful for. Once we decide to start taking action, however, that is when our life can really turn around as the action causes the negative thought to no longer exist, making it impossible to have that negative thought anymore! In the example above, if you find a new job that you love by taking action, you can no longer have the negative thought of “I hate my job.” It would be impossible.
Acknowledge You Have Negative Thoughts
We’ve established it’s ok to have negative thoughts; just because you have them does not mean there is anything wrong with you. In fact, it would be pretty weird if you didn’t have negative thoughts! Accepting less-than-ideal thoughts will run through your mind at times and will help take the burden of it off you.
Next time you get an unwanted negative thought:
- Take a moment to acknowledge that it is happening.
- Accept that we all have negative thoughts and there is nothing wrong with that.
- Think through the worst-case scenario, as mentioned earlier, but be realistic about it (don’t make it more prominent in your head than it actually is).
- Take a deep breath, and simply let the thought fade away with the exhale of your breath.
- Affirmations can also help.
How to Avoid Negative Thoughts
We’ve established that negative thoughts will happen from time to time and that there are ways we can use them to our advantage. However, too much negative thinking is certainly harmful to our mental health. Here are some ways to avoid negative thoughts if you feel like they are consuming your life and personality.
1. Avoid negative people
Easier said than done, I know. Sometimes those negative people can be family, co-workers, or others that we just cannot cut out of our life for whatever reason. Now if that is the case, I would challenge you to spread positivity into their life. Look at it as a challenge. Try to be extra positive and extra happy around these people. Just like negativity is contagious, so is positivity. You won’t change somebody who doesn’t want to change, so you most likely won’t turn a negative nancy into an optimist; but some of your positivity is sure to rub off on the person, whether they want it to or not!
For all other negative people that you do have the ability to cut out of your life, do it. You will find yourself much more at peace.
2. Spread positivity
Look at each situation you are in and wonder, what can I contribute to make this even better? In a world that can be scary and uncertain, making people feel good through acts of kindness is one of the best things you can do. This can be as simple as smiling at a stranger or sincerely telling a waiter they did a phenomenal job. You don’t need to go overboard with spreading kindness and positivity. Small acts are just as powerful as big ones. So, no matter where you are, try to find ways to be a kind and positive force.
3. Avoid negative words
We tend to be too harsh on ourselves. If we keep telling ourselves “I am lazy. I am not good enough. I am a negative person,” pretty soon you will end up believing that. We wouldn’t talk to people we love like that, hell we wouldn’t even talk to strangers like that, so why is it ok to talk to ourselves like that? It’s not!
The reason we do it is that we hold ourselves to such a high standard, and if this is the case, then that alone means that you know you are better than you are giving yourself credit for.
Some people do respond better to negative reinforcement. Calling themselves a lazy pile of dirt might be exactly what they need to go to the gym and get a workout in. If this is you, it is important to also praise yourself for all the good you do too. After you get that workout in, remind yourself how much you’ve accomplished, and take a moment to be proud of your actions, willpower, and determination.
Overall, replacing negative words with positive ones will morph you into a more positive person.
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When was the last time you truly took the time to acknowledge, accept, and even embrace a negative thought? This week I challenge you to find an instance, just one, where a negative thought runs through your mind and try the steps listed above which are to acknowledge, think through the worst-case scenario of your negative thought, and overcome that negative thought.
Best,
Eric
