The Complex Relationship with Parents in Adulthood

The relationship you have with your parents as a child will no doubt play a huge factor in your life and shape the person you become. As you grow older and become an adult, the relationship you have with your parents changes and shifts, typically for the best, as you become more mature and more understanding. From your parent’s perspective, they now view you as a grown-up and are more comfortable discussing difficult topics with you that can strengthen the bond of your relationship. You become more vulnerable and open with each other and understand one another on an entirely different level. You may even end up doing a 180 and start taking care of them!

Since Mother’s Day just occurred this past Sunday, celebrating all the wonderful and hardworking moms in the world, I felt this week’s blog would be a good time to touch on the evolution of the relationship we have with our parents and how it changes in adulthood.

Superhero Parents

When we are children, we think that our parents can do no wrong. To most of us, they are invincible superheroes that have the world completely figured out. They are our sense of comfort, wisdom, and protection. To imagine that they are human doesn’t even cross our minds.

It is not until we get older and have a better grasp of reality and of what life really is that we realize our parents are normal people, just like everybody else. They are not invincible – they are prone to the same diseases, problems, and hardships as everybody else. They do not have life figured out – none of us do. Even the most successful, rich, enlightened, or happy person will never truly have life figured out. (Life is a mystery in many ways and that is a part of what makes it so fascinating and amazing.) When we come to this realization with our parents it can be painful.

It may make us lose our sense of comfort and protection that we once found in them. It also makes us face our own humanity and realize what life really is; and that becoming an adult doesn’t automatically mean you know and can do it all. This can be difficult for a teenager or young adult to internalize and express, but this realization happens whether conscious or subconscious. It has likely already happened to you, whether you were aware of it or are just realizing this for the first time.

Relationship in Adulthood

Eventually, we come to accept the fact that our parents are humans and are prone to mistakes. They clearly did not have life figured out, and they certainly did not have how to raise a child figured out at all. They more than likely made many mistakes when raising us, but these were not intentional. Most of us know that they tried their best. Unfortunately, some of their mistakes could be scarring and painful to relive, even if they were not met with malice at the time our parents did it. Our childhood shapes our personality and lives in more ways than we will ever realize, for better or worse.

It can be easy to hold grudges towards our parents despite loving them because of their mistakes during our childhood. Maybe they were inattentive at a time when you really needed them. Maybe you still resent the fact that your parents split up or were always fighting when you were a kid. Or maybe you felt they were too tough on you or didn’t give you enough privacy. The list goes on and on. Every person has specific instances they can remember about their parents and their childhood that can still make their blood boil to this very day. So, what is the solution for this?

Forgiveness.

Forgiving Your Parents

We have established parents are humans. We’ve established that they make mistakes just like everybody else. They didn’t always know the best way to handle a situation or raise you. However, that doesn’t make them terrible people. Their actions that hurt you were likely not intentional or meant to do so.

Especially as your parents grow older, now more than ever it is so important to forgive them. Take the steps and repair that relationship with your parents.

My parents had me at a late age, so there always was a generational divide. This caused a lot of turmoil with them in my younger years. Add to the fact that they were foreigners getting accustomed to the culture of America, and it was not always easy as a child. I had many fights, specifically with my Father, when I was a teenager for these very reasons. However, as I got older and I realized that my parents weren’t getting any younger, I really wanted to make a conscious effort to improve my relationship with them. After all, family is all we got.

This Mother’s Day, I was thinking of all the people who no longer have their mother, or father, in their lives. It made me realize how lucky and fortunate I am to still have both. So, cherish your memories with your parents and continue to build new ones. Take these pieces of advice to strengthen the relationship with your parents:

• Find it in your heart to forgive them for all the pain and suffering that may have caused you. It likely was not intentional.
  
  
• Tell your parents that you love them. I’m sure they will be thrilled to hear it, especially if it’s not something you say often.
  
  
• And just spend time with them! As they get older, that is probably all that they really want.

Shout out to all the parents who are trying to figure it out along the way and make it work. You are appreciated!

Best,

Eric