The Four Agreements Book Review
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom is a personal-development book written by Don Miguel Ruiz. The book talks about ‘agreements’ that you can make with yourself that will help you improve your life and become a happier, more complete person. They are:
The book itself was an enjoyable read, and all four agreements are great ways to go about living your life. These agreements can be interpreted as promises you make to yourself.
Let’s analyze each agreement in more detail and see how we can apply them to life to become a better version of yourself.
Agreement #1: Be Impeccable With Your Word
Your word is one of the most powerful weapons you have, if not it is the most powerful. It is what separates us from other animals, and it could be used to cause tremendous harm or tremendous good. A person’s word can cut deeper than any sword, or it can heal better than any medicine. What it means to be impeccable with your word, is to choose your words carefully. Our words can hold so much weight, and saying something just once, to one person, can affect their entire life. A great example in the book is of a mother who is having a bad day and screams at her child to stop singing and that she is a bad singer. The mother was tired and stressed and didn’t mean what she said, but the little girl would go on to never sing again.
We all go through these types of events in life. Often, it is with our parents. As kids, we think our parents have everything figured out so when they criticize us, we believe it must be true. We do not realize that they may just be having a bad day, or just be plain wrong.
However, if we are careful with our words, we will not impose this kind of negativity onto other people. We can use our words to uplift others and spread positivity in people’s lives by saying what we believe, being honest, and staying positive. That is how you can be impeccable with your word.
Agreement #2: Don’t Take Anything Personally
The second agreement is to not take anything personally, and personally, I 100% agree. This ties in nicely with the first agreement since if you don’t take anything personally, it will not affect you if somebody else decides not to be impeccable with their word and tries to harm you with it.
The author gives an example of a stranger on the street calling you stupid. If you believe this stranger, then you took it personally. It also means deep down that you already believed you are stupid, and this stranger is just reinforcing the idea for you.
“What I said did not hurt you, you have wounds deep within yourself that what I said has touched.”
Not taking anything personally is easier to do when it is a stranger telling you this stuff. However, when it is a close friend or family member, somebody you respect and admire, it is much harder to not take anything personally. If a stranger calls you lazy, you will most likely be able to brush it off rather quickly. “He doesn’t know me at all, he has no evidence to say that,” you might think. However, if your father calls you lazy you will be more inclined to take it personally. You value his opinion, and he is much more involved in your life.
There are a few ways you can go about not taking things personally:
- Have impeccable confidence and self-awareness.
Just like being impeccable with your word, be impeccable with your confidence. If you are confident in your abilities and who you are as a person, somebody saying something malicious won’t bother you. Combine this with being self-aware of what your strengths and weaknesses are. Then, even if your own father calls you lazy you will know that it isn’t true because you know yourself.
- Remember it’s not about you, it’s about them.
Ever hear the saying when you point a finger at someone you have three pointing back at you? This is immensely true. Usually, when we criticize others, it is because we feel insecure about the very same thing. Going back to the example of a father calling his son lazy, it would hold true that the father is actually insecure that he himself is lazy, and is projecting his insecurities onto other people. When you understand this concept, you will be far less likely to take anything personally.
- Forgive.
When you forgive others and do not hold grudges, you won’t take things as personally. Forgiving is one of the biggest things we can do. To truly forgive means that when you hear their name or think about the things that person has done to wrong you in the past, it truly does not bother you. Not just that you pretend it doesn’t bother you. You forgive them because you understand not everybody is perfect, that the reason they did that is not about you, and you have the confidence to forgive.
Agreement #3: Don’t Make Assumptions
“The problem about making assumptions is we believe they are the truth.”
One of my teachers in Elementary school once said: when you assume you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
This is because we assume we know things when we truly do not. That is the problem with assuming, our brain cannot tell the difference and we believe these assumptions as if they are fact. This has a snowball effect: since we believe the assumptions, we will take things personally.
Believing an assumption can lead to us being mad, angry, upset, insecure, hurt – a whole bunch of negative emotions – for literally no reason at all. The reason we’re upset is all made up in our heads!
Rather than assuming, our best bet is to ask the person. Be direct and straightforward.
Agreement #4: Always Do Your Best
Always do your best is the 4th agreement in the book that allows the other 3 agreements to work together cohesively. I’m sure this is something you have heard ever since you were a little kid: Always try your best! However, the author gives this common, worn-out phrase new life and meaning. There are a few key takeaways from this agreement:
- Your best will change from day to day.
If you are having a bad day and are exhausted, your best will not be as good as when you are having a great day and feeling rejuvenated. The goal is to do your best for that day. Just because your best is not the same on those 2 days, does not mean that you did not or cannot do your best on both days. Just do the very best that you are capable of doing at that moment.
- If you try to do better than your best, you will burn yourself out.
There has been a popular work culture phenomenon in recent years that you should work extra hours, work weekends, never stop grindin’, etc. The truth is, if you do this nonstop, you will burn yourself out. You might lose passion for your work, or you might not be able to perform up to par because you are burnt out. It is important to work hard, but it is also important to take care of yourself and know and respect your own limits.
- Take action because you love it, not for a reward.
If you only do things for rewards, you will not live a satisfying life. The example in the book is if you only work for a paycheck, your life will be miserable. You will just look forward to the weekend, having 2 days off, then going back to the cycle over and over again. However, if you find joy in your job, it won’t feel like work at all.
“Do your best on the first 3 agreements, it won’t always be perfect, but do your best.”
Did any of the agreements resonate with you? Have you read the book, and if so what were your thoughts? Let me know in the comments or by emailing me directly at eric@ericgolban.com!
Best,
Eric
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