Trying to Help A Loved One: 3 Mistakes to Avoid

My Dad used to tell me a fable about a man who became friends with a bear:

The man and the bear became inseparable. The bear had never had a friendship he cherished as much as the one with this man. The bear was an extremely loyal friend as well, he would do anything to help the man. He protected him from other animals that would want to eat the man. He gave the man advice, as did the man to the bear. They joked and laughed together. They were the best of friends.

One day, the man decided to take a nap. He was very tired. As he was in a deep sleep, the bear noticed a fly buzzing over the man’s face. This was unacceptable to the bear. “This man has treated me so well, he deserves to sleep in peace,” thought the bear. So the bear got to work and told the fly to go away. But the fly kept buzzing.

The bear got increasingly angry with the fly. He swatted at the fly. He started swinging his claws and trying to kill the fly, or at the very least get the fly to leave his friend alone. In the end, in an effort to get the fly to leave, the bear had hit his friend, clawed him, and killed him.

A great story about friends has such a sad ending to it. But it also has an extremely powerful message:

The bear’s intentions were completely good. Everything he did for the man was out of the love and the goodness of his heart. However, in an effort to help his friend he ended up hurting his friend instead.

When Helping is Hurting

In life, many times we will try to help our loved ones, but we end up doing more damage than good. We may not realize this until it is too late, but we hurt those we care about in the process. Here are 3 mistakes to avoid when trying to help those you care about:

Mistake #1: Pushing Your Idea of Success

One way that helping can actually be hurting is when we push our loved ones to follow a certain career path because that is what will make them “successful” in our eyes, or at least financially wealthy. We are doing this from a place of love, we want to set up our son, daughter, brother, sister, nephew, niece, friend, etc. for long-term success. We do this so that they won’t have to struggle as we did. But in doing so we can be stopping them from pursuing their passion, chasing their dream, and doing what they love. We are trying to help, but we are trading our own definition of success for their actual happiness.

Mistake #2: Doing Everything For Them

We’ve all seen this many times before. It usually occurs when a parent babies their child. They do everything for them including, but not limited to, cooking, cleaning, and laundry. The parent is always doing this out of a place of love. Their love for their kid is so passionate and so powerful that they would do anything for them. So what is an extra load of laundry? Not much. However, again in an effort to help their kid, again coming from a place of love, they hurt their child. They stunt their growth. The child does not have the basic skills to make it in the real world. They don’t know simple survival skills such as how to cook a meal. They have become dependent in a world where the independent thrive.

Mistake #3: Brutal Honesty

On the other side of the spectrum, we may be brutally honest with our friends, family, and loved ones. We might tell them that they have gained too much weight, or they are a terrible singer; we criticize them and suggest they do A and B in order to improve and get better. This isn’t done with malice in our heart, but rather we do it from a place of love.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes there are benefits to being brutally honest. Especially with those that we have a close relationship. For some, they might appreciate the brutal honesty. But it must be done in the correct way at the correct time. Something many of us fail to master. There will also be times when brutal honesty is necessary, but it must be done in a delicate manner. There are, however, a lot of reasons to avoid brutal honesty.

Those that are more sensitive souls, might take real offense to criticism. Some will even self-sabotage and rather than listen to another’s advice they will make a conscious or subconscious decision to do the opposite, even if they know deep down that person is 100% right. This is often seen with teenagers and their parents.

It is okay to make mistakes, but repeatedly doing so will have consequences; especially with Mistake #3. It will not only hurt the person instead of helping them, but it will also strain your relationship with that person. If they are not open to your criticism, they will resent you for it. Furthermore, they will not change just based on your words. This is possibly the most important case of the examples to remember because you are not only hurting them emotionally, but you are also unintentionally damaging your relationship with the person you love.

Love like the bear loved his friend. But have the awareness to realize when you are helping the people you love, and when you are hurting them.

Best,

Eric